His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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