If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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