Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
