Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
