is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
