Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
