I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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