She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
