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Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
