If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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