omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
