no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
