here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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