Whatcha textin bout Willis?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
