I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Will exercising make me less horny?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
