I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
