Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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