I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
