i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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