My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
