sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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