My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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