Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
