Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
