I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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