I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
