What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
