The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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