toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
