I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
