Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
