Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
