he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
