I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
