well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
