Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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