just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
