The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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