i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
