I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
