You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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