My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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