Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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