Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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