Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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