Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
