my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
