she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
