Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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