Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
