Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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