I think I died a long time ago.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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