I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
