My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
