I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
