dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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