Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
