Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
