I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
