I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
