hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
