The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
