I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How naked do you want me to be?
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